The Phrases from A Parent Which Rescued Us during my time as a New Father

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for the first year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the difficulties of fatherhood.

But the reality rapidly became "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his father, on a public seat, that helped him see he needed help.

The direct phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You must get support. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and find a way back.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although people is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about PND, less is said about the struggles dads encounter.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are part of a wider reluctance to communicate amongst men, who still internalise negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, says men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental well-being is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the space to request a break - going on a few days overseas, separate from the family home, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions as well as the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has transformed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he matures.

Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the expression of feelings and interpret his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen did not have stable male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, deep-held emotional pain caused his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "terrible choices" when younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as a way out from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he notes. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a friend, your spouse or a counsellor about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that helped you to feel like you before becoming a parent. It could be going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, physical activity and where possible, resting, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having been out of touch with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their pain, changed how they express themselves, and figured out how to control themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… processing things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I said, at times I think my purpose is to guide and direct you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."